Breakeven

I will not settle… again. I’ve been broken hearted in the past. That’s a lie, it wasn’t just a break, it was a smash, then grind with a mortar and pistil. At least that’s what I thought then. But I did get over it. And it doesn’t haunt me like I feel true love should. But… who knows. Maybe it was. But I know I will never settle for a guy that doesn’t fit my list. Not to say that I’m a jerk about all this. The only point that I will absolutely not move about is that my husband will be following God. And he will be leading me in the relationship.

Every time that I try to convince myself to settle for a guy that isn’t on fire for God, I wind up getting disappointed somehow. Take my first guy, we started dating when I was 15, and you might be thinking ‘fifteen, it wasn’t anything!’ and, honestly, it shouldn’t have been. I made it into something though. I dated this guy (he was 20 when we started dating) long distance for 3 years. We were actually engaged when he broke up with me via text message, facebook, and email. Yeah, he’s a jerk. I kept telling myself that it would all turn out, I didn’t try to change him, I loved who he was when we started dating. He changed as it went on. He was in the army, and first stationed in GA, then WA, then Germany, then Iraq. He changed so much. I stayed the same, mostly. That bugged him. It took me 6 months to not cringe at his name, to not think of what could have been. Took me another year to finally be ok with where I was. I love where I am so much. I’ve finally realized I’m where I’m supposed to be. I couldn’t be in my amazing sorority if I was married. I wouldn’t even be in the same state. Found out last summer that he got married 2 months after we broke up… and honestly, I felt sorry for her, his wife. I mean, I’m sure it’ll work out, but I can’t imagine living with this guy, or even talking to him. He tried to talk to me once, about the 6 month mark. He asked me if we were ever going to talk again. I said NO! and told him that he gave up the privilege of talking to me when he walked out of my life. Another jerk moment, he broke up with me on Monday of finals week my first semester of college. I promise I only passed those finals by the grace of God, and the fact I kept bawling my eyes out. Another God moment.

Before I go much further, I want to mention I don’t like guys much. Also that I only really consider dating them after being their friend for awhile first, and thinking about whether or not I can see myself marrying them in the future. I don’t date for fun, I date to get married eventually. I’m not saying all dating is, but it’s just what I think of as dating.

So, guy number two. I’ve known since high school. He’s insanely funny, and always seems to know what to say. He has been one of my best friends for a long time. I think it’s amusing, but he tells the story of how we started hanging out a lot… apparently a lot of geeky girls in high school don’t just walk up to a starting football player and say, ‘hey, you’re kinda cool, we should hang out sometime.’ Because that really got him. We went to the movies the first time we hung out. That’s when he saw my ring (from guy 1). But we still became the closest of friends. He’s catholic. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I found out he focused more on the religion than the relationship. And I said, ‘hey, I really like him! Maybe we can change that…’ only moments later to realize that I never want to change someone intentionally. Anyways, I then tried to convince myself that I didn’t need a guy very strong in his faith (I know a lot of couples where the stronger person of faith is the women and I’m not trying to say that’s evil, it’s just another one of my quirks). Yeah… we ‘dated’ for two weeks. It kind of left me hurting. This hurt was more like a broken toe, just annoying when you step on it the wrong way or you think about it. We ‘broke up’ because it was another long distance thing, and he didn’t want that. A couple months later, he texted me in the middle of the night, wondering why I couldn’t live there. And I got all girly and fluttery because a guy that I think the world of was paying attention to me (oh, did I mention this is the guy my mother picked out for me to marry when I was like 12? Or did I meantion that I’m the girl of his mom’s dreams? Our mother’s frequently talk about this actually….). Anyways, I drove the long drive to go visit him, and he talked about himself the whole time, he was hung up on high school more than I thought. On top of that, he called me a spoiled brat, and then proceeded to talk about how I was for 40 minuets. Now he’s kind of on my bad list. And I don’t think I’ll ever really be dating him again.

(there was more that happened in both of these relationships, but…. You know)

What started me thinking was Twilight. JUST KIDDING!! Anyway, it was the wedding that I went to, the friend picking out an engagement ring, the other friend getting married next year, and a plethora of books and movies where a romance is involved. It really is just starting to get to me. Also, I’ve been talking to other married women in my life about it. And they all say, never settle, God has a man picked out for you that will exceed your desires and plans for your husband. I guess I’m just starting to believe them. Proclaiming it here will hopefully just remind me of it when I look back.

~whit

P.S. This was written 7/9/10