I love that my migraine medicine works. But i hate how it leaves me feeling

Doubt thou

Guess it's been awhile since my last blog. It's been hectic around here for sure!

I'm in a squabble with a good friend. Which is really taxing. I don't like fighting with people, but I'm done being walked over by people.

It's Thanksgiving, so I guess I should state what I'm thankful for. My friends, my family, my education, food, facebook. I could go on and on. Although I think you get the idea.

I've had time to myself lately, which is very limited but appreciated. My friend D got me hooked on a Manga series (never thought I'd be saying that I, Whit, am starting to enjoy manga). It's called Fruits Basket. It's really happy go lucky. But it's all about good values. Enjoyable. Now I'm waiting for the books to come in at the library. Hope I can get them finished before finals start. It's easier if I just lock myself away from the world.

My mother is in town unexpectedly. My sister had some pretty bad kidney stones. So my mother flew down here and helped her get surgery on it.
It's the normal mother picking on daughter because she's not good enough (Now i'm not doing the dishes well enough, which i don't mind because now I don't have to do the dishes) But something in particular that she said today really pissed me off. She said she couldn't see something on the computer, I asked her what she meant for me to do, she said, I don't know, you're supposed to do!!! hahaha it was funny, but super frustrating. And my sister is milking all this to death 'i can't do that, I hurt!!'
Amazingly, she always hurts when chores or something she doesn't want to do pops up. sigh.

Now I get to do Black Friday Shopping. Oh yay!

Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth be a liar
But never die I love

Ecclesiastes 3

This year has been hard.

I've made some great friends. And lost most of them.

I'm starting to realize how much heartbreak I can take is limited. How do you keep your personality and not close off to the world? How do you meet a new people and not immediately thinking 'when is this person going to stomp on my heart?'

One of my co-workers pointed something out. Since we work so closely with death, we don't think 'we'll do it tomorrow' very often. We're always ready to be gone. Just like the people we work with were here yesterday and now are lying in front of us dead. I think that's why I'm so honest with everyone. About everything. There is no time to dance around subjects. There is no time for miss-communications. Don't go to bed upset.But with what goes on in life, how is that possible?

What do you think? Is it better to be completely upfront about everything, or to let issues play themselves out? Do you live like you have an infinite number of tomorrows, or do you live like you'll die tonight? Is there a right way and a wrong way to live?

I know that it's needed to let things play themselves out, but I think it's also important that you let people know how you feel. Even if the latter causes a little more strife in your life. It's also a question of will you actively take part of your life, or just sit by and watch what unfolds? There's a time for everything says the Lord.

Even though it hurts.

Doggies!

So.
I've got a killer migraine that won't go away. The only thing a migraine is good for is time to think.

And think.

And think...

So, I've been thinking about dogs. Again. A lot.
And I looked at animal humane society online... And found the sweetest looking dog ever. So, I posted the link to my sister and my friend commented. She has a dog and offered to be the dogs aunt until my lease is up and I can have the dog stay with me.

The dog isn't available until next week sometime. So that's good. I'm praying about this A TON. Whoever reads this, PLEASE pray for me about this whole thing. I don't want to do something God doesn't want me to do.

Please pray that if this is not right I will know not to do this.

SpeakNow

SOOOO much has been happening lately. I feel like I've jumped into the abyss. Occasionally I forget that I have God as my parachute and freak out that I'm going to die....

Goodness gracious. I don't even remember what has been happening lately. Mainly what order it's been happening in.
1) Boy drama
2) School drama
3) Friend Drama
4) body drama...

and everything can fit in those categories.

1) I told HIM that relationships, no matter what level they are, are not a one way things. And I haven't heard from him since.
2) I'm failing Calc II again... :( and working my butt off trying to pass everything else. Not may people understand what i'm going through.
3) Gave up on a lot of my friends, a lot of friends have given up on me. I'm never around. Always doing homework or sick.
4) see above comment about homework and sickness :(

I guess other than that nothing really going on in my life.

Taylor Swift's new CD came out. It's great. :D oooo new smily (_|_) i mooned you!!!! not that anyone reads this anyway.

I wanna fall head over heels in love with the guy God has picked out for me. That is what has come out of this week. However horrible it was.

I like your lips like a like my Coca-Cola. Sink me in the river at dawn. I'm not the kinda girl...
I could wait patiently, but I really wish you would drop everything now, meet me in the poring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk take away the pain.

i am tired of being fake

JustTheWayYouAre

Write offs.
This year, I've written off so many people in my lives. Honestly, I want to go live in a cottage in the mountains and be a hermit. I predict that if this pattern of loosing and gaining friends doesn't slow down or stop soon, I'm going to be a meany face when I'm older. Plus, the friends I do have and want to keep, I can't bring myself to talk to them. They know me too well and I feel like I can't handle the truth right now.

No matter how much you have prepared for it, the truth hurts. It cuts through you with no regard for your feelings. It just is.

Why can't I just be? Why does life have to be complicated? Why can't I ever be truly content with where I am in the moment. I think this is the 3 days of migraine meds talking, but life sucks sometimes. Well, most of the time.

And my life is a walk int he park compared to some others. One of my friends cousins was shot this summer for no reason, and her (the cousins) birthday would have been today. How can my life even compare to my friends life? And why is it that through all this, my friend can still read me better than I can read myself. I have no idea what's going on with me right now. But my friends do. Is ignorance in the area of knowing yourself a good thing?

Mine

I'm kinda bummed. Kinda really bummed. It's been a hard hard week, then my tests went bad. Then I showed up to one of my tests and the professor told me I was dropped from the class. Then in my next test there was a question I wasn't prepared for at all. It's just been a hard week. On top of that, the place our house is keeps proving to be super shady. Also, as amazing as my sister is being, I'm tired of doing most of the housework. I have a job, and homework that takes way more time, therefore, she's home more. Yet I wind up with the housework. It just doesn't make sense to me.

written 9-25-10

JustTheWayYouAre

Fairly certain it's been way to long since my last post.

I guess I didn't think this much homework was in store since I'm not taking engineering classes this semester. Boy was I wrong. I think it also has something to do with my drive to actually pass all my classes this semester, and not just with a low C.
I kinda stopped my big friend thing. It just got to be to disorganized, and there seems to be one girl that is taking over the sorority :( so it is good to get out.

The weird thing is that I only miss the girls, and not all of them. I seriously have too much going on. Especially to deal with all the disappointing and frustrated feelings I inevitably develop at a function where the dictator shows up. I guess I'm really frustrated with her because she dropped me for no reason, but I'm over that. It's just making me see everything that she is doing and not just the good things. Like the rose-colored glasses of friendship have finally been removed.

Work is fairly uneventful, all I can do efficiently is desk work, which there isn't much of, I've been using this time for some homework and computer time. Mostly computer time.

Last Friday I failed the should-you-drop-this-class quiz... In calc II. Minor breakdown there, but then I looked at my mistakes, one of them was an unknown trig formula, the other was because I was stupid and graphed x=-1 horizontally one below the x axis instead of vertically. Yeah stupid mistake I'm not going to make again... hopefully :$

Alright, I'm off to sleep. Because it's late and my days seem to be getting shorter and shorter every week. Mind you, there is the same amount of work involved in each day, regardless of how long the day seems.

God's Girl
~whit

BeautyAndTheBeast

So, I love school.

Last week was HORRENDOUS! Broke my foot. Stress fracture doing... yoga. Of all things, I get a stress fracture doing YOGA. Yeah, that's me. I'm in a walking cast for 3 weeks. Started last week on Sunday, when I lost my debit card and Drivers licence. Monday I overslept for an hour and had to miss a class. Later that day, didn't get all my Calc II homework done. Tuesday, don't really remember. Wednesday, broke my foot. Thursday, spent 4 hours getting my foot checked out, missed work. The broken foot meant the backpacking trip I've been planning since May was out.
I've been working on homework the rest of the weekend, with a wonderful movie date with my sister to the dollar theater Saturday. Sunday, slept WAY to much, but got work done. Missed church :(. Today, I got to see Thousand Foot Krutch though. Totally exciting :D

I'm really hoping that this week goes a lot better. Kinda feel a migraine coming on though, so that's not good. I almost feel ready for this week.

Deep thought time! What scares you? Is it the ride at the amusement park? Riding in a car? Is it snakes? I realized while upside down on a roller coaster ride, what scares me the most is people. People. Rides have been tested, they are predictable. Snakes, are predictably dangerous. When you are driving a car, you're in somewhat of control. Riding a plane has been tested and proved to be super safe, at least safer than most things. Guns, totally predicable, if you keep them up, they shoot a projectile when you pull the trigger.

People are not predictable. No matter how long you've known a person, they always do something that you are not expecting. This has been proven time and time again to me by people. Either they have changed, or they have not changed. The person's ability to fool you into loving, liking, or getting along with them is just part of people in general. It's also scary how completely you can give your heart to someone. It doesn't have to be a significant other to break your heart. It can be a friend that you've finally trusted who walks away from you. A friend that you kinda don't trust completely that has fooled you into thinking they care about you, then you realize that you need to walk away from them.

People and their ability to adapt to a situation is scary. Have you ever noticed how different people act around different groups of friends? That's the person adapting to fit the situation. I don't care how comfortable you are with yourself, you act differently around certain people. Those people only see the person you present them with. They don't get to see the whole picture. No one besides you knows the whole picture. God knows the whole picture and sees the ship hidden in the Micky mouse look book.

Maybe love isn't seeing the whole picture of someone, but knowing that from that one part that you see, that you would love to see the other parts of the picture that someone is willing to show you. Maybe love is helping another person draw parts of the picture. Love isn't trying to white wash the picture and start over. Love is waking up every morning and seeing something new in the picture that is sitting in front of you. Whether or not you like it, you say, that's interesting, I wonder what part of the painting this is, and how it will turn out. No matter what, you are loyal to the painting, and will continually choose to love what you see.

Wow. What a rabbit hole I went down....

WalkThisWay

Kinda a Harry Potter induced post.... Yeah, I'm a nerd

I am predictable to an extent. When authors or directors or anyone that writes a story, i feel how they feel. I'm always for the good guy and against the bad guy. Two things this week has made me question that. J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and Joss Whedon's Dollhouse.

In Harry Potter, it was chapter 33 of the 7th book. In this chapter, Harry has gone into a memory of the recently deceased Severous Snape. In this memory, Snape is going over his relationship with Lily Evans (Harry's deceased mother). From the time that he (Snape) met lily, you can hear the level of admiration through his memories. He truly cared for her. The love that Severous felt for Lily is what changed his life.

I feel that love is just that. Utterly and completely life changing. Kinda like in twilight where Carlisle tells Edward to be careful of having relations with Bella, and how it might change him. Then says that is already changed by his love for Bella.

On a separate point. I really want to go on the Amazing Race. Looked into it this afternoon and you need to be 21. So, forget looking forward to drinking when I'm 21, I'm going to be applying to the Amazing Race. :)

Back to love, I feel like that's how you become anew in your life. Through falling into love with God. There's a song that describe just that. A relationship with God that's based on God, not the semantics.

I got the lyrics off Air1.com (wonderful station BTW)


Jason Gray - More Like Falling in Love


Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

(CHORUS)
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love
It's like I'm falling, oh
I'm falling in falling
It's like I'm falling


All relationships should be based on love. The different types of Love that C.S. Lewis wrote about. Your whole life should be about loving others.

Here's a challenge, Read 1 Corinthians 13 with your name in place of the word Love. Is it a true statement?

SummerLovin part 3

Baby Ducks at the Duck Pond



Two by two, hands of blue... B and I getting ready to seed and peel the roasted green chillies.



Hatch Green chillies are the only way to go!



Our bushel of green chillies getting roasted at good ol Walmart

SummerLovin part 2

Our Chillies before they are roasted



Forget poker night, this is the way to go! Rummykub with the guys!



I'm so sad I missed it :(



Penguin buddy!



Like my hat?

SummerLovin part 1

Being a bridesmaid at BB's wedding



Cutest puppy ever!! Great dane puppy



my friend's kitten puck



BABY TURTLE!! another friends back yard buddy



Gellin like a fellin!

SweetHomeAlabama

You know it's a bad week when I wind up watching Sweet Home Alabama on a Wednesday.
Sunday, Horrid Horrid migraine.
Monday, Migraine finally gone after a week
Tuesday, great day with B. Lot's of green chillies and fun.
Wednesday, Migraine again. Got bet from BB and then Sweet Home Alabama.

Oh, and by the way failed Calculus 2 this summer. For the second time. *Rolls eyes* Third time's a charm... right?

What's so bad about this week you might ask? Nothing, in and of itself. It's the roller coaster ride of emotions that I've been on recently. Better now than when school starts. I hope that everything is happening this week, rather than within the next 16 weeks.

School is going to be rough. But on the bright side, Math class will be easier this semester. Now I can focus.

I'm going to say it, I hope that I get A's. It's the first time I'm actually going to aim for that. I think that if I throw myself into school not as much drama will come into my life. That's what I'm hoping for. NO DRAMA!!

One can only hope...

WishRightNow

I'm going on a week now with a migraine everyday. It stinks. Yesterday was fairly bad, but once I took an oxycodone (not really supposed too...) it all got better. Today, I finally took an oxycodone and it's not helping. :( . I'm so tired, can't move my head, lights bug me, but I'm bored and have slept about the last 28 hours of my life. I'm finally going to go to the doctor tomorrow to get a pain meds shot tomorrow morning before work.

On the plus side, this has given me a lot of time to think.

Have you ever watched a movie that made you wish your life was just a little different? Not an 'that would be cool to do one day' but more a 'When can I fit it in to go do that?' Well, I watched a movie called white squall, thinking it was just going to be a feel good movie, and it totally wasn't. It made me realize that my goal of going off on my own for an adventure seem all the more real. Not so much, that would be cool, but I want to make this happen. Maybe eventually, or maybe my trip to Italy next summer will be enough of an adventure for me.

Another thing that has me thinking is that it's almost this fall, and I haven't made a goal list for this fall semester. I hate putting school stuff on this list, it's more of little, kinda stupid things. It feels good to accomplish. Like this summer, my goals were to make a lemon tart and learn how to longboard. It felt really good when I accomplished both of those. It also felt good that there was no school involved. Life is more than just school. Even in college.
So, I need to figure out little goals for this fall... Who knows what I'll come up with this week.

hope this migraine goes away.

WakaWaka

Things Learned today:
1) People ARE going to take advantage of you.
2) Never watch the Boy in the Striped Pajamas alone.
3) Don't call your mom when you're upset about a Holocaust film. Your sister says 'were you hoping for a happy ending?!'
4) If your mother puts the phone on speaker phone when you're having a melt down, promptly change topics so you don't sob to the entire car.
5) Exchange students scare easily. (My mother had just picked up the new one from the air port and was driving him home when I had my breakdown over speaker phone)
6) No matter how much I love having time to myself, Nothing compares to being with someone that will actually take are of YOU when you need it.

I'm so tired of friends only talking to you when you start the conversation. And not taking hints of 'I need a hug' to mean. I NEED A HUG ASAP.


wish people understood

Just woke up from a wonderful dream. i hope that one day it`ll come true.

LittleWonders

This week has been an insane week. My emotions are WACKED! Stress from finals and friend drama is getting the best of me.

All week long I've been trying to figure out how I can fix all that is going on in my life. Trying to get it all together. On the radio today, I heard a song about God's love (That's what happens when you listen to KLove), and it was about how we don't have to keep trying to be perfect. It started me thinking that that's what I've been trying to do, be perfect. God is my live's curve. I don't even have to be above average to pass live. I've got the best grade a person can get. I've got the best reward too. heaven. :)

Which gets me on the thought process of, why am I trying to fix all this. I never can, and I never will.

So, I'm giving up. Officially. I'm giving up now. I'm going to give it to God. All of it.

A wise friend told me to accept it. Accept what I'm feeling. Whether good or bad. Maybe it's feelings for someone, or feelings against someone. God must have given me these feelings for a reason.

What I do with those feelings is a different matter all together. Do I act on them, cursing people, kissing others? Nope. Do I bottle them inside me till I drive myself crazy? Tried that, didn't work.

I've decided I'm just going to acknowledge them. Then just wait for God's perfect timing to play out.

Yeah, because patience is my strong suit...

Scream-TFK

I can't erase it anymore
It follows me everywhere I go
It's like a mask that I don't want to wear anymore

I think I've found a way to let it go
But it's still too soon to know for sure
I'd give everything I am
To just feel somethin'

Can you feel that?

Scream! When the pressure breaks me
When it's too hard to see
When I feel like I'm at the end of my rope
One more time
Scream! When the fire burns me
When it's hard to break free
When I feel like I'm standin' on the edge
Of it all this time

I can't suppress it anymore
Here it comes like a flood
Just like before, when it rains, it pours
And I don't want to swim anymore

I think I've found a way to let it go
I don't know, I've never felt this way before
But with everything I am, I just let go...

You make me wanna scream...

It's not a joke
I've felt as messed up as you do
I've felt the feelings you've been feeling
Been through the same things
You've been through
And I know how hard it is
To feel like you're all alone
We've all been given a second chance
But the chance is all our own
(It was right in front of me...)

InsaneInTheMembrane

I'm going insane. Promise. The amount of mood swings I've had today is crazy. I want to blame it on being sick, or on finals, or even PMS, might be my medication. It might be all of the above. It might be a combinations of all things. Only God knows. I hope I get out of this Funk soon.

OH, by the way, really hate fake girls that are all about themselves. Plus, tired of them inviting themselves everywhere with me.

Forgot to list emotional turmoil above. i mean, in Calc 2 today I couldn't do anything! My teacher made the joke that my brain was coming back when I finally figured out 1+1=2. yeah, it was that bad.

Tomorrow WILL be better. I hope

OneWays

Is my life like a one way road? Is it just me going to my destination with people merging on and off my one lane, one way road?

Now that one way street is including talking. I mean, loosing friends is one thing. Having them just stop talking to me is another thing. Hiding my heart in the Lord yadda yadda. It still hurts. A stopped talking to me, unless I make her talk to me. I'm so excited for school to start so I can meet some new people and not have to think about all this crap.

Today at work was humbling. I didn't know the answers to the questions, and so I felt like a total idiot. I mean, I'm the one that has the answers. It felt better when I went back and showed them how to do stuff. I'm not good not knowing things. Not looking forward to the rest of the semester of not knowing anything about it.

It took long enough, but I'm actually ready for school. I've got this group thing tomorrow, but I don't know if going will increase the drama and inner turmoil I feel, or help me be ok with everyone/everything again. I mean, will I want to stay in this group? or will I want to just give up?

I was talking to the old leader of the group and she's having a lot of trouble with the new leader too. Amazingly, having other people mad at the new leader doesn't help with my feelings one bit. Just because I'm right doesn't make me feel better. In this instance, I would rather be wrong.

Spontaneity

I was spontaneous this weekend. Friday at about 1pm, a friend suggested that I drive across state and visit with him and his family for the weekend. I jumped in my car and was out of town by 3. Fairly certain that is the most spontaneous thing I’ve done all summer, it is at least the biggest spontaneous thing I’ve done. I’m so happy that I did it.:)

This weekend I got to chill with a friend and figure some stuff out there. Plus, I got to get out of my drama circles, away from it all. PLUS I was able to finally focus on beginning a study of Revelations. Not to mention relaxing and spending time with myself and God. This is totally an opportunity that I jumped at.

At the same time as relaxing, it’s given me time to think. I’ve mostly been thinking about what I SHOULD be doing, like studying math. I’m in a Calculus 2 class this summer that I’m praying I pass. We’ll see. It’s in his hands.

~whit

Med School Orientation

Don't worry, I didn't start med school :)

At work today, they had an orientation for the med school students starting their gross anatomy block. Oh. My. Goodness. It was so boring! All I could think of was 'I'm getting paid for this.' The sad thing is, the students were paying for it.

That got me thinking. All this stress I go through with school, I pay for them to give it to me. The world is so backwards. I can only imagine how the Lord feels looking down on us. I honestly hope that He gets some chuckles. Because, I know I'm laughing at the little bit of irony that I understand.

On the bright side of today, I worked my hours for tomorrow. So instead of work tomorrow. I'm going to finish moving in. In the AM, I plan on finishing the porch table I got this last week. Also, I plan on moving all the boxes out of my sisters room. Also, cleaning up around the kitchen. Whether or not I have the motivation for my plans tomorrow. Somehow I always loose my motivation. Think it has something to do with my health... and sanity.

Not that I claim I'm ever sane.

Are You My conscience?

Goodness gracious, What A DAY!!

Funny story, after some fun background information. SO! At my work, I wear crap shoes (what I walk in is pretty gross and don't want to track it home) So after I got off work today, I put on my 'good' shoes and started walking home. You know that feeling where your sock is bunched at your toes? I thought that was going on with my sock, so i stopped 1/3 of the way home to fix it. Pulled off my shoe, looked inside, and THERE WAS A LIVE CRICKET IN MY SHOE!!! Kinda grossed me out.
Then I started thinking about it. I work on the second floor. How did the cricket get up there in my shoe... Unless I walked to work with it in there. Yeah, WEIRD!!

Growing Up

I don't want to keep growing up. Last night at youth group was amazing. We talked about 1 Corinthians 7. It's all about marriage. Seeing that all the students that were in attendance were single, it might have digressed into what we should be looking for in a significant other. All summer I feel like I am being chased by the fact that I'm not dating anyone, or getting married right now. It seems like I'm the only single one around. Everyone has someone they're interested in, and pursuing, but then there's me.

I am not at a place to get married! I don't even want to date. My life is hectic enough without adding a emotional guy into the mix (apparently all the guys I attract are more emotional than me).

And, any girl that I know that is getting married suddenly seems to have no ambitions anymore. I don't know if that is due to getting married, the guy, or who they turned out to be.

Have you ever had to make the choice and walk away from a friend? Not a choice between friends, but just you and the friend. You decide to pull back and walk away. I've never walked away when I have had a choice. I'm what you would call a golden retriever. If I see anyway for a relationship to work, I try to work it out. This is the first time in my life I am walking away.

Not to make me sound callous, but there's only so much crap I can take from someone. I used to be able to take more crap, but then I became confident in myself, and realized that friends don't treat 'friends' like that. That's one the BF1 has thought me. Plus, I'm finally listening to the Bible on this. I count myself worth something. I deserve to be treated like a friend.

This 'friend' I was always there for her. Anytime she needed a fill in someone, I was there. Even if it wasn't the most convenient for me. Even if it costs me a lot of money ($200 bridesmaid's dress + gas for over 1000 miles driven).

Have you ever heard of an emotional vampire? They're friends that suck all the happy thoughts and feelings out of you till you feel like crap. Well, I've got a couple of those in my life. Maybe I should just step back.

Maybe I should take a semester off of my 'friends' and some people in my life. I would love to just disappear for a semester and see what becomes of it. See how much my 'friends' miss me. Maybe people will notice what I do. Maybe I'll actually be appreciated for something that I do.

I know I'm not supposed to do the right thing for gratification from humans, but it doesn't hurt.

Alright, time to go to bed and end this pity party. I mean, I'm growing up. This is real life now. So why does it feel like I'm back in High School?

shoot

it's 1 in the morning. I work in 8 hours (excluding the 30 min walk). I have a test wednesday that i'm totally not ready for. and i'm nowhere near tired.

how does this happen?!?!?!?! and why to me tonight?~ stress means my life is getting back to normal.... right?

~w

Vampires

SO TIRED OF VAMPIRES!!!

I saw Eclipse today, and laughed. :) It's good to laugh at a movie. Maybe not during the serious parts, but hey, take what you can get :). This movie just made me realize how much I don't like Jacob. Also, how much I don't like Bella... Or Edward...... Hmm...

You might be asking, 'Well, if you don't like the main characters, why do you read the books and watch the movies?' A simple answer is, because I'm weak and can't avoid the mainstream 'literature' or even 'books' that are out there right now. I do like the storyline, and the bubbly mood that it puts me in. That doesn't mean I need to like all the characters all the time. I mean, I don't even like Harry Potter from the 4th -6th book, I honestly think he's an arse. That's something for another time though. Just making a point. Do you always like the characters that you are supposed to like? Why do you pick up a book to begin with?

I'm realizing, since I've read the twilight saga, that I don't always love the characters that are written for me to love. Harry Potter, Bella, Jacob, or Edward, Alex Rider.. and more. They seem to irk me in weird ways, just rub me the wrong way, always thinking about themselves. Yes, the story is about them. Don't you think that some of these books are helping the mentality that everything is about YOU. All a person thinks about is themselves. Which is annoying. I'm seeing why I don't get along with a lot of people... it actually explains a lot.

Yeah- That's my thoughts, ~Whit

Breakaway

Something I re alized this weekend was that you have to go somewhere else to find yourself. My friend from Finland helped me realize this this weekend. When you are around people that know 'you', you can never try something new and become yourself.*

Also, a line to in Kelly Clarkson's song Breakaway, really got to me. "Make a wish, take a chance, make a change." I mean, that says it all.

All you can do is your best, and pray about it, hoping that the Lord is with you in what you are trying to do. Then you kinda have to make it happen. YOU have to do it, not your parents, or your teachers, but you (And God of course)

Another totally weird thing that happened this weekend is I saw a bunch of people from my childhood church. I haven't seen them in about 2 years now. None of the people I saw recognized me. I was at their church for 10 years. I grew up with them. They just thought that I was a weirdo saying hello to everyone by name. On one hand, I wanted them to remember me. On the other, I'm oddly proud of how much I've changed in my first two years of college. I must've changed a bunch in the last two years for them not to recognize me.

So much went on this weekend, it's hard to keep my thoughts organized.

If you've never had a friend that can reach across land and time, you don't know what you're missing. With Finnish Friend (FF) that's what I have. No matter how far apart we are, or how much we may not talk during our times apart, we always click when we are together. We spill our guts, and talk about everything under the sun. Before you ask, no we don't have similar beliefs and lifestyles at all. Which is weird, but oddly refreshing. I love her to death, and seem like I always will. We don't always talk. Sometimes, we say nothing at all, and still manage to have fun. The times we do talk, we find super random topics. I pray that everyone can find a friend like this in their lifetime, it is truly needed. I can see us living together in our old age, chasing the kids off our front lawn, not because it messes up the grass, but it's funny, or maybe we'll be the old ladies in the home that have wheel chair races up and down the halls and drive the nurses crazy with our antics.

This past week I've been really down, but the Lord knew what I needed was time with Him and my FF. I'm ready to face my life again, whatever it may bring.

*This is true for most people, but mainly directed at me. :)

~Whit

Slacking

I'm admitting it, I'm a slacker. I really shouldn't be, and I have no reason to be. I just can't seem to make myself do some things at certain times… this trait really does not help when it comes to school.

And i've realized that I leave in like 6.5 hours to go visit a friend in from Europe. So I'm going to slack on this and go to sleep, but I will be back after this weekend :J

~Whit

Breakeven

I will not settle… again. I’ve been broken hearted in the past. That’s a lie, it wasn’t just a break, it was a smash, then grind with a mortar and pistil. At least that’s what I thought then. But I did get over it. And it doesn’t haunt me like I feel true love should. But… who knows. Maybe it was. But I know I will never settle for a guy that doesn’t fit my list. Not to say that I’m a jerk about all this. The only point that I will absolutely not move about is that my husband will be following God. And he will be leading me in the relationship.

Every time that I try to convince myself to settle for a guy that isn’t on fire for God, I wind up getting disappointed somehow. Take my first guy, we started dating when I was 15, and you might be thinking ‘fifteen, it wasn’t anything!’ and, honestly, it shouldn’t have been. I made it into something though. I dated this guy (he was 20 when we started dating) long distance for 3 years. We were actually engaged when he broke up with me via text message, facebook, and email. Yeah, he’s a jerk. I kept telling myself that it would all turn out, I didn’t try to change him, I loved who he was when we started dating. He changed as it went on. He was in the army, and first stationed in GA, then WA, then Germany, then Iraq. He changed so much. I stayed the same, mostly. That bugged him. It took me 6 months to not cringe at his name, to not think of what could have been. Took me another year to finally be ok with where I was. I love where I am so much. I’ve finally realized I’m where I’m supposed to be. I couldn’t be in my amazing sorority if I was married. I wouldn’t even be in the same state. Found out last summer that he got married 2 months after we broke up… and honestly, I felt sorry for her, his wife. I mean, I’m sure it’ll work out, but I can’t imagine living with this guy, or even talking to him. He tried to talk to me once, about the 6 month mark. He asked me if we were ever going to talk again. I said NO! and told him that he gave up the privilege of talking to me when he walked out of my life. Another jerk moment, he broke up with me on Monday of finals week my first semester of college. I promise I only passed those finals by the grace of God, and the fact I kept bawling my eyes out. Another God moment.

Before I go much further, I want to mention I don’t like guys much. Also that I only really consider dating them after being their friend for awhile first, and thinking about whether or not I can see myself marrying them in the future. I don’t date for fun, I date to get married eventually. I’m not saying all dating is, but it’s just what I think of as dating.

So, guy number two. I’ve known since high school. He’s insanely funny, and always seems to know what to say. He has been one of my best friends for a long time. I think it’s amusing, but he tells the story of how we started hanging out a lot… apparently a lot of geeky girls in high school don’t just walk up to a starting football player and say, ‘hey, you’re kinda cool, we should hang out sometime.’ Because that really got him. We went to the movies the first time we hung out. That’s when he saw my ring (from guy 1). But we still became the closest of friends. He’s catholic. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I found out he focused more on the religion than the relationship. And I said, ‘hey, I really like him! Maybe we can change that…’ only moments later to realize that I never want to change someone intentionally. Anyways, I then tried to convince myself that I didn’t need a guy very strong in his faith (I know a lot of couples where the stronger person of faith is the women and I’m not trying to say that’s evil, it’s just another one of my quirks). Yeah… we ‘dated’ for two weeks. It kind of left me hurting. This hurt was more like a broken toe, just annoying when you step on it the wrong way or you think about it. We ‘broke up’ because it was another long distance thing, and he didn’t want that. A couple months later, he texted me in the middle of the night, wondering why I couldn’t live there. And I got all girly and fluttery because a guy that I think the world of was paying attention to me (oh, did I mention this is the guy my mother picked out for me to marry when I was like 12? Or did I meantion that I’m the girl of his mom’s dreams? Our mother’s frequently talk about this actually….). Anyways, I drove the long drive to go visit him, and he talked about himself the whole time, he was hung up on high school more than I thought. On top of that, he called me a spoiled brat, and then proceeded to talk about how I was for 40 minuets. Now he’s kind of on my bad list. And I don’t think I’ll ever really be dating him again.

(there was more that happened in both of these relationships, but…. You know)

What started me thinking was Twilight. JUST KIDDING!! Anyway, it was the wedding that I went to, the friend picking out an engagement ring, the other friend getting married next year, and a plethora of books and movies where a romance is involved. It really is just starting to get to me. Also, I’ve been talking to other married women in my life about it. And they all say, never settle, God has a man picked out for you that will exceed your desires and plans for your husband. I guess I’m just starting to believe them. Proclaiming it here will hopefully just remind me of it when I look back.

~whit

P.S. This was written 7/9/10

One of those days…

Today has been one of those days. A day where you wake up late, spill your breakfast, get to work late, do something wrong at work, and then trip and fall on your face not once, but twice. Well, welcome to my day. I've got some emotional issues, in that I hate them. So, on days like today, it really gets to me, but I have no outlet or any idea what to do with the emotions that have come out of today. My mother and sister are wonderful at dealing with me about them, and dealing with me when I'm grumpy.

I never know what to do to get out of a funk of a day. I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of friends (I'm super introvert and am, most of the time, content to be by myself), so hanging out with them is nixed. I really don't like shopping. What do I usually wind up doing? I love to sleep or escape into a book, movie, or TV show. It totally works. So, tonight was Mamma Mia and blackberry frozen yogert. Saying it that way makes it seem like I eat my feelings, and I don't eat them, I drink them away with Coca-cola.

It may seem weird, but my comfort item is a cold coca-cola. I'm totally addicted. Although all last week I only had one can a day. Some days it was harder than others, but I made it a week. Today I had 2.5 cans, and I don't regret it at all J

I hear planet earth calling my name for me to fall asleep to. Hopefully tomorrow will be better J

In His Name ~Whit

Drama

I HATE DRAMA!! I'm not to fond of feelings either. Last night, I wrote a post about my past guy experiences and lo and behold, people are starting to talk to me. Not just people, but people I was under the impression were not talking to me anymore. On top of that, I don't know how I feel about it.

To me, drama seems totally pointless. My sister, on the other hand, seems to thrive on it. Drama seems to just stir up trouble. Wouldn't everyone just get along better if we said things aloud to each other and communicated.

... I guess I haven't been doing a lot of communicating, at least not honestly. My bad. At least I've noticed it and I can work on fixing it now. No matter how much I want to just...not fix it.

Alas, today's sermon was about not following through with God's orders for us, and with what he has told us to do. In essence, just completing the job to what we think is good enough, not what God wants to be done. So, I'll be taking that advice and working this out with these people.

I had a good day with a friend. We went and saw despicable me, which was funny and clean. You never really see that in a movie nowadays. The movie being clean that is, no matter how young of an audience the movie is for, they manage to slip in a dirty joke. Sometimes it's downright depressing what kids are growing up with. I keep thinking 'my kids will never watch this' etc. At the rate that I'm going, I won't have kids until this world that we live in gets... worse, for lack of a better term. In order keep my kids away from all that I want to protect them from, I'd need to live in the middle of nowhere, or become Amish, I guess both :)

Only God knows where I'll end up and I'm finally starting to like it that way. This ride that I'm on is teaching me a lot, even if sometimes it is a bit messy.

Nothing in life worth having is easy to come by.

~Whit

Obligations

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." ~Matthew 5:37

Wow, this is so hard to follow. And honestly, I don't want to follow this. But I love the Lord and me doing this will make Him happy. I want to make Him happy. I said yes to something about a month ago, and tomorrow I have to go through with it. And, as lame as it is, it's just a hike with a couple of friends.

But honestly, I think I take obligations and commitments way more seriously than other people. At least it always feels that way. I'm going to be having to recite this verse over and over in my head tomorrow.

I'm in such a weird mood this week. I'm guessing the wedding just set me off, and I haven't been able to get back on track. Which is totally annoying... You know it's horrible when you annoy yourself. I can't imagine how people around me feel.

Maybe a day to wallow would be good, or it could just push me into a deeper funk. I wish one of my friends here would notice and try to cheer me up. Times like this I miss my sister the most. She's really good at cheering me up. So is my family. I miss them.

I don't want to grow up. I officially don't live at home anymore. I know, I've been in college for 2 years now, and I guess it's just finally sinking in that I don't live at home. I mean, I'm working on buying checks for myself. And I'm renting my first place. I'm really not just away at college and go home on the breaks. I live in Albuquerque, and I VISIT my parents. It's weird. I don't wanna grow up. Decisions are hard. I need to be the better person and take the higher road, I'm an adult. Yikes!!!

Life as I know it

Goodness. Since last Thrusday, I was in a Podunk town at a wedding. Word of advice, if you throw a pouting fit at your wedding, and getting ready for it, you are not ready to get married. Also, I have met a bride worse than the Bride-Zillas shown on WE TV. Also, Bridesmaids are not slaves. Bridesmaid is a position of honor, not a position of 'hahaha, now you are my slave!!!'. That's basically my weekend; a weekend when I am so thankful for my Lord saving me, and being there for me all the time.

Also, I'm trying to set up my internet which was turned on when I was gone, and after fighting with my computer and my modem for 20 minutes, and then on hold for another 15, I find out that the modem that I've jacked from my parents is so old, that it won't work J. OOOOO and I bought an X-Box 360. Which I'm waiting to set up until I get my internet, which is good, gives me time to listen to my book on tape and to update my blog. So that's good.

I think I'm also relearning a lesson. One that I've had to learn a lot. God Others Self. I never allow time for me. Because, I focus on others. And this weekend, I needed to remember myself. PS, never want to get married, or even have a boyfriend. I'm totally giving the situation to God and I'm going to focus on God's plan for me right now.

So, my sister is in Germany on a student exchange, and she's been gone for a month. But the good news is that she'll be home in just about a month. J so excited for this. I miss her. I can't imagine life before we were close, even though we just became close about 1.5 years ago. I'm quite exhausted. That's what happens when I'm super stressed, or mad. Which I've been both.

This week I'm working alone (mostly) at work. And I happened to lock myself out of all the labs. So yeah….. had to be let in again. Hope I don't let my boss down. Thankfully, I have a list to go by. Forgot to take the mail over…. Whopps. Enough for today. Will remember to post tomorrow, and hopefully something a little less scatterbrained and a little more philosophical (before school starts in the fall and I have no brain left for thoughts more than, sleep, food, and calculus). Oh yeah, forgot about my calc test today, if I managed to pass this test, I have hopes of passing this test. It's my second time through, but it's a hard class. So I'm ok with having to go through it again.

~Whit

Success!!

I heard on the radio today that failure paves the way to success. But is everything always a success or failure? I mean, What makes you successful or a failure, and do they mean in daily life, at a task, or your days on earth to date? Sometimes I'm a failure and sometimes I'm a success.

Take today for instance. This morning at work, we got 7 ready for Medical school (to start in 2 weeks), and I got 2 ready to be shelved (mostly by myself! J ), all in about 2.5 hours. So that's a success. But this afternoon at Calc II, I got my last test back and I had failed with a 50%. Plus, I had to cancel on one friend twice today, only to reschedule for later. Does all these separate events amount to a successful day or a bad day?

On top of that, I was looking at facebook, and wound up looking up some old friends. They are at 'better' colleges, off traipsing the world, and with a significant other, whether they are serious or in a committed relationship. I admitidly go to a state school (yay for scholarships!! It helps that this college has amazing programs that I'm interested in), I am staying at home this summer to work, and retake a math course that I failed last spring. I'm not going on any big vacation, and I most certainly don't have a boyfriend. In fact, I have a hamster named Wicket…. Anyways, do these things make me a failure, or just normal?

Actually, I'm just me. But sometimes it would feel better to have that 'glamorous' life. Even though I'm absolutely in love with my life, and where God has placed me, even if I do forget about it.

Wicket is a Dwarf Hamster that looks like the Ewok that Princess Liea plays with ( whose name is Wicket W. Warick or something…). She and I are living together in my 2 bedroom mini house until my sister gets back from her exchange trip in Germany. I'm sure she's told me when that is, but I seem to have forgotten. That happens when stuff isn't written down… in a place I can see and remember.

This week I'm going to work on memorizing Isaiah 30:21

    Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying " This is the way; walk in it." (TNIV)

Blogging?

What is blogging? Is it a place to post my feelings and have people read them? Is it a place where I recap my day? Maybe it is a place to put my epic thoughts of that day. I don't know what it'll be. I don't really have a good habit of editing my thoughts. Goodness, I edit what I say, and I never edit what I write in my Journal. Maybe this will be a place in between what I say and what I've written.

I really don't want this to be a place where I write down my most intimate details, I know they will get out then. I also know this is not a place that I want to write about the drama in my life. Because I try to keep that to a minimum (even if that doesn't always happen).

I had a moment in my life this week. I worked alone and didn't mess up... too much.I'm cetain that I'll remember at least my feelings about doing it alone. It is a moment that I took the time to appreciate. You know, actually pause and say 'How do I feel at this moment?' and stick it in my memory bank.

I've got a few memories that I've saved that way. Just as files in my mental filling cabinet, kept only for me to look back on. Something personal and something that absolutely no one can take away from me.

Some people say it takes 12 days to make a habit, so my goal for the next few weeks (barring the days with no internet this weekend) is to write everyday. At the end of the time, I'll evaluate if blogging, whatever it turns out to be, is something that I want to do.

~Whit