Spontaneity

I was spontaneous this weekend. Friday at about 1pm, a friend suggested that I drive across state and visit with him and his family for the weekend. I jumped in my car and was out of town by 3. Fairly certain that is the most spontaneous thing I’ve done all summer, it is at least the biggest spontaneous thing I’ve done. I’m so happy that I did it.:)

This weekend I got to chill with a friend and figure some stuff out there. Plus, I got to get out of my drama circles, away from it all. PLUS I was able to finally focus on beginning a study of Revelations. Not to mention relaxing and spending time with myself and God. This is totally an opportunity that I jumped at.

At the same time as relaxing, it’s given me time to think. I’ve mostly been thinking about what I SHOULD be doing, like studying math. I’m in a Calculus 2 class this summer that I’m praying I pass. We’ll see. It’s in his hands.

~whit

Med School Orientation

Don't worry, I didn't start med school :)

At work today, they had an orientation for the med school students starting their gross anatomy block. Oh. My. Goodness. It was so boring! All I could think of was 'I'm getting paid for this.' The sad thing is, the students were paying for it.

That got me thinking. All this stress I go through with school, I pay for them to give it to me. The world is so backwards. I can only imagine how the Lord feels looking down on us. I honestly hope that He gets some chuckles. Because, I know I'm laughing at the little bit of irony that I understand.

On the bright side of today, I worked my hours for tomorrow. So instead of work tomorrow. I'm going to finish moving in. In the AM, I plan on finishing the porch table I got this last week. Also, I plan on moving all the boxes out of my sisters room. Also, cleaning up around the kitchen. Whether or not I have the motivation for my plans tomorrow. Somehow I always loose my motivation. Think it has something to do with my health... and sanity.

Not that I claim I'm ever sane.

Are You My conscience?

Goodness gracious, What A DAY!!

Funny story, after some fun background information. SO! At my work, I wear crap shoes (what I walk in is pretty gross and don't want to track it home) So after I got off work today, I put on my 'good' shoes and started walking home. You know that feeling where your sock is bunched at your toes? I thought that was going on with my sock, so i stopped 1/3 of the way home to fix it. Pulled off my shoe, looked inside, and THERE WAS A LIVE CRICKET IN MY SHOE!!! Kinda grossed me out.
Then I started thinking about it. I work on the second floor. How did the cricket get up there in my shoe... Unless I walked to work with it in there. Yeah, WEIRD!!

Growing Up

I don't want to keep growing up. Last night at youth group was amazing. We talked about 1 Corinthians 7. It's all about marriage. Seeing that all the students that were in attendance were single, it might have digressed into what we should be looking for in a significant other. All summer I feel like I am being chased by the fact that I'm not dating anyone, or getting married right now. It seems like I'm the only single one around. Everyone has someone they're interested in, and pursuing, but then there's me.

I am not at a place to get married! I don't even want to date. My life is hectic enough without adding a emotional guy into the mix (apparently all the guys I attract are more emotional than me).

And, any girl that I know that is getting married suddenly seems to have no ambitions anymore. I don't know if that is due to getting married, the guy, or who they turned out to be.

Have you ever had to make the choice and walk away from a friend? Not a choice between friends, but just you and the friend. You decide to pull back and walk away. I've never walked away when I have had a choice. I'm what you would call a golden retriever. If I see anyway for a relationship to work, I try to work it out. This is the first time in my life I am walking away.

Not to make me sound callous, but there's only so much crap I can take from someone. I used to be able to take more crap, but then I became confident in myself, and realized that friends don't treat 'friends' like that. That's one the BF1 has thought me. Plus, I'm finally listening to the Bible on this. I count myself worth something. I deserve to be treated like a friend.

This 'friend' I was always there for her. Anytime she needed a fill in someone, I was there. Even if it wasn't the most convenient for me. Even if it costs me a lot of money ($200 bridesmaid's dress + gas for over 1000 miles driven).

Have you ever heard of an emotional vampire? They're friends that suck all the happy thoughts and feelings out of you till you feel like crap. Well, I've got a couple of those in my life. Maybe I should just step back.

Maybe I should take a semester off of my 'friends' and some people in my life. I would love to just disappear for a semester and see what becomes of it. See how much my 'friends' miss me. Maybe people will notice what I do. Maybe I'll actually be appreciated for something that I do.

I know I'm not supposed to do the right thing for gratification from humans, but it doesn't hurt.

Alright, time to go to bed and end this pity party. I mean, I'm growing up. This is real life now. So why does it feel like I'm back in High School?

shoot

it's 1 in the morning. I work in 8 hours (excluding the 30 min walk). I have a test wednesday that i'm totally not ready for. and i'm nowhere near tired.

how does this happen?!?!?!?! and why to me tonight?~ stress means my life is getting back to normal.... right?

~w

Vampires

SO TIRED OF VAMPIRES!!!

I saw Eclipse today, and laughed. :) It's good to laugh at a movie. Maybe not during the serious parts, but hey, take what you can get :). This movie just made me realize how much I don't like Jacob. Also, how much I don't like Bella... Or Edward...... Hmm...

You might be asking, 'Well, if you don't like the main characters, why do you read the books and watch the movies?' A simple answer is, because I'm weak and can't avoid the mainstream 'literature' or even 'books' that are out there right now. I do like the storyline, and the bubbly mood that it puts me in. That doesn't mean I need to like all the characters all the time. I mean, I don't even like Harry Potter from the 4th -6th book, I honestly think he's an arse. That's something for another time though. Just making a point. Do you always like the characters that you are supposed to like? Why do you pick up a book to begin with?

I'm realizing, since I've read the twilight saga, that I don't always love the characters that are written for me to love. Harry Potter, Bella, Jacob, or Edward, Alex Rider.. and more. They seem to irk me in weird ways, just rub me the wrong way, always thinking about themselves. Yes, the story is about them. Don't you think that some of these books are helping the mentality that everything is about YOU. All a person thinks about is themselves. Which is annoying. I'm seeing why I don't get along with a lot of people... it actually explains a lot.

Yeah- That's my thoughts, ~Whit

Breakaway

Something I re alized this weekend was that you have to go somewhere else to find yourself. My friend from Finland helped me realize this this weekend. When you are around people that know 'you', you can never try something new and become yourself.*

Also, a line to in Kelly Clarkson's song Breakaway, really got to me. "Make a wish, take a chance, make a change." I mean, that says it all.

All you can do is your best, and pray about it, hoping that the Lord is with you in what you are trying to do. Then you kinda have to make it happen. YOU have to do it, not your parents, or your teachers, but you (And God of course)

Another totally weird thing that happened this weekend is I saw a bunch of people from my childhood church. I haven't seen them in about 2 years now. None of the people I saw recognized me. I was at their church for 10 years. I grew up with them. They just thought that I was a weirdo saying hello to everyone by name. On one hand, I wanted them to remember me. On the other, I'm oddly proud of how much I've changed in my first two years of college. I must've changed a bunch in the last two years for them not to recognize me.

So much went on this weekend, it's hard to keep my thoughts organized.

If you've never had a friend that can reach across land and time, you don't know what you're missing. With Finnish Friend (FF) that's what I have. No matter how far apart we are, or how much we may not talk during our times apart, we always click when we are together. We spill our guts, and talk about everything under the sun. Before you ask, no we don't have similar beliefs and lifestyles at all. Which is weird, but oddly refreshing. I love her to death, and seem like I always will. We don't always talk. Sometimes, we say nothing at all, and still manage to have fun. The times we do talk, we find super random topics. I pray that everyone can find a friend like this in their lifetime, it is truly needed. I can see us living together in our old age, chasing the kids off our front lawn, not because it messes up the grass, but it's funny, or maybe we'll be the old ladies in the home that have wheel chair races up and down the halls and drive the nurses crazy with our antics.

This past week I've been really down, but the Lord knew what I needed was time with Him and my FF. I'm ready to face my life again, whatever it may bring.

*This is true for most people, but mainly directed at me. :)

~Whit

Slacking

I'm admitting it, I'm a slacker. I really shouldn't be, and I have no reason to be. I just can't seem to make myself do some things at certain times… this trait really does not help when it comes to school.

And i've realized that I leave in like 6.5 hours to go visit a friend in from Europe. So I'm going to slack on this and go to sleep, but I will be back after this weekend :J

~Whit

Breakeven

I will not settle… again. I’ve been broken hearted in the past. That’s a lie, it wasn’t just a break, it was a smash, then grind with a mortar and pistil. At least that’s what I thought then. But I did get over it. And it doesn’t haunt me like I feel true love should. But… who knows. Maybe it was. But I know I will never settle for a guy that doesn’t fit my list. Not to say that I’m a jerk about all this. The only point that I will absolutely not move about is that my husband will be following God. And he will be leading me in the relationship.

Every time that I try to convince myself to settle for a guy that isn’t on fire for God, I wind up getting disappointed somehow. Take my first guy, we started dating when I was 15, and you might be thinking ‘fifteen, it wasn’t anything!’ and, honestly, it shouldn’t have been. I made it into something though. I dated this guy (he was 20 when we started dating) long distance for 3 years. We were actually engaged when he broke up with me via text message, facebook, and email. Yeah, he’s a jerk. I kept telling myself that it would all turn out, I didn’t try to change him, I loved who he was when we started dating. He changed as it went on. He was in the army, and first stationed in GA, then WA, then Germany, then Iraq. He changed so much. I stayed the same, mostly. That bugged him. It took me 6 months to not cringe at his name, to not think of what could have been. Took me another year to finally be ok with where I was. I love where I am so much. I’ve finally realized I’m where I’m supposed to be. I couldn’t be in my amazing sorority if I was married. I wouldn’t even be in the same state. Found out last summer that he got married 2 months after we broke up… and honestly, I felt sorry for her, his wife. I mean, I’m sure it’ll work out, but I can’t imagine living with this guy, or even talking to him. He tried to talk to me once, about the 6 month mark. He asked me if we were ever going to talk again. I said NO! and told him that he gave up the privilege of talking to me when he walked out of my life. Another jerk moment, he broke up with me on Monday of finals week my first semester of college. I promise I only passed those finals by the grace of God, and the fact I kept bawling my eyes out. Another God moment.

Before I go much further, I want to mention I don’t like guys much. Also that I only really consider dating them after being their friend for awhile first, and thinking about whether or not I can see myself marrying them in the future. I don’t date for fun, I date to get married eventually. I’m not saying all dating is, but it’s just what I think of as dating.

So, guy number two. I’ve known since high school. He’s insanely funny, and always seems to know what to say. He has been one of my best friends for a long time. I think it’s amusing, but he tells the story of how we started hanging out a lot… apparently a lot of geeky girls in high school don’t just walk up to a starting football player and say, ‘hey, you’re kinda cool, we should hang out sometime.’ Because that really got him. We went to the movies the first time we hung out. That’s when he saw my ring (from guy 1). But we still became the closest of friends. He’s catholic. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I found out he focused more on the religion than the relationship. And I said, ‘hey, I really like him! Maybe we can change that…’ only moments later to realize that I never want to change someone intentionally. Anyways, I then tried to convince myself that I didn’t need a guy very strong in his faith (I know a lot of couples where the stronger person of faith is the women and I’m not trying to say that’s evil, it’s just another one of my quirks). Yeah… we ‘dated’ for two weeks. It kind of left me hurting. This hurt was more like a broken toe, just annoying when you step on it the wrong way or you think about it. We ‘broke up’ because it was another long distance thing, and he didn’t want that. A couple months later, he texted me in the middle of the night, wondering why I couldn’t live there. And I got all girly and fluttery because a guy that I think the world of was paying attention to me (oh, did I mention this is the guy my mother picked out for me to marry when I was like 12? Or did I meantion that I’m the girl of his mom’s dreams? Our mother’s frequently talk about this actually….). Anyways, I drove the long drive to go visit him, and he talked about himself the whole time, he was hung up on high school more than I thought. On top of that, he called me a spoiled brat, and then proceeded to talk about how I was for 40 minuets. Now he’s kind of on my bad list. And I don’t think I’ll ever really be dating him again.

(there was more that happened in both of these relationships, but…. You know)

What started me thinking was Twilight. JUST KIDDING!! Anyway, it was the wedding that I went to, the friend picking out an engagement ring, the other friend getting married next year, and a plethora of books and movies where a romance is involved. It really is just starting to get to me. Also, I’ve been talking to other married women in my life about it. And they all say, never settle, God has a man picked out for you that will exceed your desires and plans for your husband. I guess I’m just starting to believe them. Proclaiming it here will hopefully just remind me of it when I look back.

~whit

P.S. This was written 7/9/10

One of those days…

Today has been one of those days. A day where you wake up late, spill your breakfast, get to work late, do something wrong at work, and then trip and fall on your face not once, but twice. Well, welcome to my day. I've got some emotional issues, in that I hate them. So, on days like today, it really gets to me, but I have no outlet or any idea what to do with the emotions that have come out of today. My mother and sister are wonderful at dealing with me about them, and dealing with me when I'm grumpy.

I never know what to do to get out of a funk of a day. I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of friends (I'm super introvert and am, most of the time, content to be by myself), so hanging out with them is nixed. I really don't like shopping. What do I usually wind up doing? I love to sleep or escape into a book, movie, or TV show. It totally works. So, tonight was Mamma Mia and blackberry frozen yogert. Saying it that way makes it seem like I eat my feelings, and I don't eat them, I drink them away with Coca-cola.

It may seem weird, but my comfort item is a cold coca-cola. I'm totally addicted. Although all last week I only had one can a day. Some days it was harder than others, but I made it a week. Today I had 2.5 cans, and I don't regret it at all J

I hear planet earth calling my name for me to fall asleep to. Hopefully tomorrow will be better J

In His Name ~Whit

Drama

I HATE DRAMA!! I'm not to fond of feelings either. Last night, I wrote a post about my past guy experiences and lo and behold, people are starting to talk to me. Not just people, but people I was under the impression were not talking to me anymore. On top of that, I don't know how I feel about it.

To me, drama seems totally pointless. My sister, on the other hand, seems to thrive on it. Drama seems to just stir up trouble. Wouldn't everyone just get along better if we said things aloud to each other and communicated.

... I guess I haven't been doing a lot of communicating, at least not honestly. My bad. At least I've noticed it and I can work on fixing it now. No matter how much I want to just...not fix it.

Alas, today's sermon was about not following through with God's orders for us, and with what he has told us to do. In essence, just completing the job to what we think is good enough, not what God wants to be done. So, I'll be taking that advice and working this out with these people.

I had a good day with a friend. We went and saw despicable me, which was funny and clean. You never really see that in a movie nowadays. The movie being clean that is, no matter how young of an audience the movie is for, they manage to slip in a dirty joke. Sometimes it's downright depressing what kids are growing up with. I keep thinking 'my kids will never watch this' etc. At the rate that I'm going, I won't have kids until this world that we live in gets... worse, for lack of a better term. In order keep my kids away from all that I want to protect them from, I'd need to live in the middle of nowhere, or become Amish, I guess both :)

Only God knows where I'll end up and I'm finally starting to like it that way. This ride that I'm on is teaching me a lot, even if sometimes it is a bit messy.

Nothing in life worth having is easy to come by.

~Whit

Obligations

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." ~Matthew 5:37

Wow, this is so hard to follow. And honestly, I don't want to follow this. But I love the Lord and me doing this will make Him happy. I want to make Him happy. I said yes to something about a month ago, and tomorrow I have to go through with it. And, as lame as it is, it's just a hike with a couple of friends.

But honestly, I think I take obligations and commitments way more seriously than other people. At least it always feels that way. I'm going to be having to recite this verse over and over in my head tomorrow.

I'm in such a weird mood this week. I'm guessing the wedding just set me off, and I haven't been able to get back on track. Which is totally annoying... You know it's horrible when you annoy yourself. I can't imagine how people around me feel.

Maybe a day to wallow would be good, or it could just push me into a deeper funk. I wish one of my friends here would notice and try to cheer me up. Times like this I miss my sister the most. She's really good at cheering me up. So is my family. I miss them.

I don't want to grow up. I officially don't live at home anymore. I know, I've been in college for 2 years now, and I guess it's just finally sinking in that I don't live at home. I mean, I'm working on buying checks for myself. And I'm renting my first place. I'm really not just away at college and go home on the breaks. I live in Albuquerque, and I VISIT my parents. It's weird. I don't wanna grow up. Decisions are hard. I need to be the better person and take the higher road, I'm an adult. Yikes!!!

Life as I know it

Goodness. Since last Thrusday, I was in a Podunk town at a wedding. Word of advice, if you throw a pouting fit at your wedding, and getting ready for it, you are not ready to get married. Also, I have met a bride worse than the Bride-Zillas shown on WE TV. Also, Bridesmaids are not slaves. Bridesmaid is a position of honor, not a position of 'hahaha, now you are my slave!!!'. That's basically my weekend; a weekend when I am so thankful for my Lord saving me, and being there for me all the time.

Also, I'm trying to set up my internet which was turned on when I was gone, and after fighting with my computer and my modem for 20 minutes, and then on hold for another 15, I find out that the modem that I've jacked from my parents is so old, that it won't work J. OOOOO and I bought an X-Box 360. Which I'm waiting to set up until I get my internet, which is good, gives me time to listen to my book on tape and to update my blog. So that's good.

I think I'm also relearning a lesson. One that I've had to learn a lot. God Others Self. I never allow time for me. Because, I focus on others. And this weekend, I needed to remember myself. PS, never want to get married, or even have a boyfriend. I'm totally giving the situation to God and I'm going to focus on God's plan for me right now.

So, my sister is in Germany on a student exchange, and she's been gone for a month. But the good news is that she'll be home in just about a month. J so excited for this. I miss her. I can't imagine life before we were close, even though we just became close about 1.5 years ago. I'm quite exhausted. That's what happens when I'm super stressed, or mad. Which I've been both.

This week I'm working alone (mostly) at work. And I happened to lock myself out of all the labs. So yeah….. had to be let in again. Hope I don't let my boss down. Thankfully, I have a list to go by. Forgot to take the mail over…. Whopps. Enough for today. Will remember to post tomorrow, and hopefully something a little less scatterbrained and a little more philosophical (before school starts in the fall and I have no brain left for thoughts more than, sleep, food, and calculus). Oh yeah, forgot about my calc test today, if I managed to pass this test, I have hopes of passing this test. It's my second time through, but it's a hard class. So I'm ok with having to go through it again.

~Whit