GF journal 1/19/13

want to die. 

migraine. Check

nausea, no apatite check 

possible glutened check. 

shark week  check. 

ofc this occurred on a three day weekend. 

GF journal Jan 18, 2013

First week back at school!

3

Back in school 4 days and already had to miss a day for a migraine :(

Good points:
- Instead of putting me onto medicine that puts me into menopause for awhile, my doctor has found medicine for me that will hopefully stop these ovarian cysts without poking my brain and making the migraine monster mad. It’s called nexplanon, and it’s a sub-dermal implant. Woohoo.
- I found a new neurologist and made an appointment. I’m super excited! My current one and I don’t get along to well and he doesn’t seem very proactive about anything, just throws stuff at me and shines lights in my eyes… Excited for a new one!
- I got a new computer! Old one was almost as expensive to repair as it was to buy so I just broke down and got a new one.
- have Internet again! And it comes with TV. Which is a kinda bad thing, because now I have a major time waster. I mean, who watches a show about people that size bras and run a lingerie store? Thanks double divas…

GF journal Jan 15, 2013

Kabloom!!!

 · 2013

Yesterday I started getting a migraine. No idea what the trigger was. Went on am the last walk of the night with my puppy. Bit it on the ice walking outside.

I fell down so hard and whacked my head. It’s a day later and it still hurts.

Then I walked my blind eye into a tree.
I’m a klutz again. I haven’t missed this.

GF jan 8 2013

Dreams

13

I used to have such big grand dreams. Dreams of my future, my happiness, work, school, play…

Now I have dreams of grilled cheese sandwiches on real bread and four tortillas…

The dreams of a celiac

GF Jan 1, 2013

Let it snow and snow and snow…

So I’m at my parent’s house in almost Canada Washington. In my 9 days here there has been sunshine once. The rest of the time it has snowed. And snowed. There was now snow on the ground when my mom left for the airport to pick me up, and now there is over 2 feet on the ground. From NM to this is a BIG change. Plus it’s cold. 

This last semester was crazy towards the end. My whole life seemed to turn up side down. The good news is that I passed everything, depending on if my engineering prof ever posts the grades…

So much has happened in the past few months that it’s going to take many posts to get through it all. Plus I have to remember all the things as they come up again.

It’s beautiful outside, but I miss the sun.  

GF nov 14, 2012

Annoyances

Annoyances with having Celiac and being gluten free:
- People that don’t understand and aren’t willing to listen

 —> Example: ” Are you sure you have Celiac disease? You seem to weigh a lot.”
Thanks ignorant person. Thank you for calling me fat and sounding stupid simultaneously. I’m sure I have it, otherwise I wouldn’t deal with not eating gluten. 

—>This includes servers. If you don’t understand what gluten is, and where it comes from, please don’t act like you know and ruin 3 days of my life from it. Also, if I ask to see your manager, it’s not because your in trouble, but because I really just want to not get sick. 

- Doctors that treat me like I’m an idiot

 —> “Emergency rooms are for emergencies”
In response to ovarian cyst pain and a rebound migraine

—> “Oh, that’s not my body part”
I would like to inform this doctor that all my body parts are connected and what you do to one affects the other

- Teachers that think I’m faking/students that fake

—> This is two part, because I have some teachers that are understanding, and these are usually teachers that have been through my problem and have had a migraine, or have been directly involved with one. If the teacher hasn’t, then they don’t understand. A migraine isn’t just a super headache, it’s so much more, and there is no way I can just ‘work through it’. (Yup, I’ve heard that from more than one prof). 

This list goes on and on, but these are just the ones that I want to punch in the face. 

GF journal Oct 28, 2012

Stress. Garg!

Panic attack about the future. Check

My life has been absolutely crazy lately

surgery during school week   check

big test tomorrow     check

And these are just the big 3 things. 

Just when you think life is getting stable, something happens and your whole life takes a turn around again. 

I expected the surgery I had, I was looking forward to it. And honestly, it helped with the pain tons and I’m already doing tons better, even though I’m still trying to get over the actual surgery aspect. Turns out I was right and my ovaries were cyst factories and I wasn’t being crazy with how much pain I was in, there was much more going on down there than the doctors believed. 

The test tomorrow? Yeah, prof announced it last Friday, after I had scheduled the surgery and everything. This is also the prof that said that unless it was a life threatening thing that I needed to plan it around class. I’m actually going to email him now and say that the surgery was more intense than the doc and I were expecting that that I’m still not recovered from it. Who knows. 

This whole thing leads me back to panicking about school. 

My theory up until now has been to grin and bear it. Wanting to be an engineering doesn’t mean I have to like everything leading up to it. This still holds, but going on 5 years of just making it through and I’m going crazy. My life goals seem to have shifted. 

1) God
2) Family
3) Health insurance
4) Traveling

So, next semester starts the shift to not only just finishing my engineering classes, but doing things that I enjoy, not just things that need to be done. It will be a change for sure. 

Everything changes, and I’m still not used to it.

Because you're in china: Oct 19: 2012

Dear Ashley, 

Because you’re in China, I’ve decided to inform you of the new Disney princess that looks exactly like you! 

Oh, by the way, she is supposed to be latina… So even though she looks exactly like you, she doesn’t have some awesome Scandinavian heritage like you and I, but  is awesome latina. She seems cool enough. Hope your day went well and you’re learning those students some english bueno. 

xoxo -whit

GF journal Oct 16, 2012

I’m so angry, I keep failing. And I keep getting sick. And I’m tired of putting on a smile and just dealing with it. Why does God put me on this path to be an engineer then put a bajillion things in my way all the time? Why can’t I go a semester without have some sort of medical crisis? A crisis that always affects my studies. Why me? Why can’t I just have a normal semester? Why can’t I pass the classes I study my butt off for? Why do I have to keep failing? At what point do you stop getting up after being pushed down?

failing sucks, Oct 19, 2012

GF journal November 12, 2012

War of change (5 months and going strong)

NOV 12 · 2012

War of change-TFK

Change is happening. Whether I want it to happen or not. 

I put in my notice that this is my last semester at the job I’ve had and loved for the past 3 years. 

Most of what’s changing seems to be in my head, centering around my way of thinking and the way I’m treating life. Just because it’s an internal change doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. 

I feel like all I focus on is how much is changing around me, who is getting married, who is having a baby, who moved away. How do you not focus on that though? I’ve been working on changing how I’ve been thinking, but as anyone with depression can attest, it’s not something you can just snap your fingers and magically have happen. 

Next semester when I theoretically have more time, hopefully I’ll figure out some stuff, until then, I’ll keep on keeping-on :)

Oh, and today is 5 months gf :) yippie me! 

Another thing.. whoever designed the layout of the Smiths by my house is evil, who the heck puts the gluten free stuff on the bread aisle…

GF Journal October 14, 2012

Dude, no edge

Church was good, I’ve been so emotional lately. It was about how we can miss God when he walks by us because we were too busy looking for him in the box that we expect to find him in. Today I woke up with a migraine, which isn’t such a big deal lately because I’ve been dealing with it and all the medications I’m on for this stupid ovary thing and I accidently  had some gluten this week (Stupid baking powder is sneaky!!). Basically I took my pain meds I’ve been shoving down my throat lately and rolled over and slept till the last moment possible before church. 

I don’t even know if what I’m writing makes sense, hours of physics and transport along with pain meds will mess with your mind I’m telling you. 

Although church wasn’t what I was expecting to hear, it was something I needed to hear. Let God out of the box. Let everything out of the box. 

Dude. No edge.  

For anything. The universe, my life, my limits, friendships, God, expectations. Anything and everything. 

I’ve been hedging God in, I need to stop. 

GF journal 9/15/2012

i am less than perfect (week 19)

First off: 

  Curse you Taylor Swift for releasing songs before the CD. I want to buy the whole CD, not each individual song as it comes out and the whole CD. Way to make me have patience…. 

Second off:

Life is crazy and unpredictable. So many things in my life that I usually take for granted have gone cablooey lately that it’s been getting on my nerves.
1) internet out at my house for 2 weeks (as a college student, this is a MUST for everything, it’s my TV, my research, my connection to the outside world and my homework)
2) A gas line at my apartment complex stopped working, I still don’t know exactly what happened  and I’ve been out of hot water for a week now, which is frustrating. I have to go to a friends house out of the complex to take a shower and washing dishes without hot water is no fun at all.
3) I have another ovarian cyst. Which is never fun. I’ve had 2 removed and have watched quite a few grow and burst. All of them are painful.
4) Midterms. I knew midterms were coming and I’ve been preparing for them, but somehow, when the previous 3 things happen at the same time as midterms, everything in the world seems to come crashing down on you.  

All of this goes to show, life is never how you think it will go, or how you want it to go.

Part three:

I went and saw Pitch Perfect this weekend. It was great! Loved it! The one liners were great and the singing was fabulous! At the same time, anyone that is going to write anything about college, must be required to have spent at least a semester on a college campus (in a dorm or something) within a year of scripting it. A lot of the college campus scenes made no sense, but then again, if they were like a real college, the story wouldn’t happen I guess haha.

#gluten free #migraines #pitch perfect #struggles #internet #taylor swift

GF journal Sept 22, 2012

Maintain Consciousness

This is going to be a more mental health related post than a physical health, beware!

A few weeks ago, a friend made a passing comment. Why are you doing this to yourself? If you want to be a doctor or something like that, why are you going the route of engineering? 

Honestly, it doesn’t make sense. I’ve always been called to be an engineer, or pursue an engineering degree. And I’ve always been drawn to the medical field. I know somehow God will make these things mesh. 

Over the last few weeks, this question keeps popping up, why are you doing this, or why didn’t I pick something easier, a whole multitude of things. I’ve finally figured out the answer to these questions besides I like a challenge, my original cop-out. 

They were answered biblically for me. As  most things are when I pray about them,  

Eph 1:11
     It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.

 and

1 Peter 5: 6-7

       So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you, he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

Even fellow believers don’t completely understand how I can just do it, follow God so blindly.

It’s not blind. I’ve had trials and error. God says one thing, I do another, it turns out badly and I figure out God was right. Who would have thunk.  

I’ve been content with the answer though, so that’s all that matters. Then I found an explination that explains it in words that will help others more. 

      “Being an engineer has a lot more to do with how you think than with what your favorite subjects are. Although math and science are important, the important thing is THINKING like an engineer. If you are curious about the world, wonder why things work the way they do, and like to fix things that are broken, then you will make a great engineer!”

Yup. God provides. He provided an explanation that makes sense to me and an explanation that makes sense to others. He rocks. 

#God #life direction #mental health #engineer #Bible

GF journal 9/17/2012

What if I stumble?

This week has been an extremely hard and emotional week for me.

I’ve been wondering I should even post about all that I’ve been going through in life or just what I deal with in my health.

On this I’ve decided two things:

1)   How can you have an idea of what I go through in life if I don’t give you the whole story

 2)   I don’t want to be anyone’s stumbling block.  *1 Corinthians 8:9*

Yup, I’ve turned this into a Bible thing, amazing how much in my life turns into a Bible thing (Hint: it all does)

How would I be someone’s stumbling block by not posting about my trials outside of my health? Well, let me spend the next few paragraphs ranting to you about it.

No matter how hard I try at something, I am never as good as anyone else. This includes everything. Whenever I compare myself to someone, I always fall short. Simple enough fix, just don’t compare myself to others.

Psch… have you been in American society lately? All they do is compare you to others! Not only do they compare you to others, they compare you to other people’s final results. ‘Look at how skinny this person is!!’ what they didn’t mention is that she has an eating disorder.  ‘Look who is getting married this week!!’ because she is pregnant from a one night stand.

I’m not saying that all things are from horrible things like this (even if it would help my state of mind if they were). All I’m trying to point out is that we shouldn’t compare our in progress spot in life to other people’s final results.

Or to put it in better terms, we don’t get to see all the trials that others go through. Why do we assume they have it easy?

I do this constantly. It is one of the main reasons I need to limit my facebook time more. I see all these people that are getting engaged, married, pregnant, graduating, finding jobs, moving on. It just seems like all these times while these people are moving on, I’m here. In the same place in my life.

In my head, I know I’m not. I know that I’m moving forward on the path that God has me on. It’s just one of those annoying and frustrating times when my head and my heart don’t agree.

How does this connect to the stumbling block? Not that anyone could ever mistake me for having it together, but in case they ever do, I want them to know that I don’t have it together. In no way, shape, or form.  And if it seems like I do, it’s all God. 

#bible #emoations #stumble #stumbling block #corinthians

GF journal Sept 14, 2012

A change

People have started to notice a change in me. 

Last week at my eye Dr appointment the nurse that always checks me in said that I seemed a whole lot better than when I first started going there. 

My dad just commented to me that I sound tons better than I used to, and when pressed he clarified that I seem to be doing so much better this semester than I have before. 

For a long time I have noticed a change with in myself with this diet and lifestyle. 

It feels SO good to have other people starting to notice the change enough to say ‘Hey, you’re doing so much better I want to know why.’ 

This week has been crazy, emotional and I felt out of control. If people are saying things like this to me during a week like this, I can’t imagine how the rest of the semester will go. 

For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn’t believe even if someone told you about it.

~ Habakkuk 1:5

GF journal 9/10/2013

Week 13

Being a math person, I know that 13 does not come after 11. Conclusion? I missed a week. Yup. Life has a way of catching up with you. 

I have 4 min until my go-to-bed-you-have-to-sleep-before-a-test time.

And I just spaced out for 2 of those min’s. Oi.

Big news, had a neuro appointment today and he has ok’d be switching my migraine preventative from the one that makes my body horde weight. YAYAYAY!!! I hopefully will be getting everything in some semblance of control.

Ah!! 1 min. 

I love God and how faithful He is and how amazing he is. Through everything I’ve been through it’s great to know that He has a wonderful plan for me and I just need to listen to His guidance. 

Oh, and I still don’t like cowboys and indians or man hating weeks at work. Boo them.  

GF Journal 8/27/2012

Week 11 ramble

listen to this!

I have a hour before my next class, instead of working on my last few physics problems due tomorrow, I’m writing this. Yup, college is back!!!

This weekend has been super hard. I’ve tried to just tune everything out, but that’s not a good long term solution. I’ve been trying to come up with a way to face my feelings, and finding next to nothing besides chocolate and Doctor Who. I know the chocolate isn’t the best way to cope, but that part is at a minimum… just don’t take away my coca-cola!

Side note: I’m sitting in the computer pod at school, have been for about 20 min or so, and the girl next to me has been checking fb on her phone the whole time… I’m not a genius or anything, but if you’re sitting at a computer, wouldn’t it be easier to check fb on there?

Anyways, this weekend I had to drive my sister to the airport so she could experience a miracle and fly in a big silver bird all the way to China. It’s been rough. Really rough, I never realized how quiet my house is, for that I’ve had mythbusters/hoarders/any crappy reality TV I can find playing constantly.

I’m so thankful for imessage, I get to text her because of it! It’s usually only a text or two when I wake up and she’s going to bed, but it is enough to help. I’ve been trying to just stay away from the house, but my poor doggie is there, so I’m looking for a new place to study that I can take him and he can people watch to his heart’s content :)

I ran out of breakfast food this weekend, not a big deal. I didn’t think to get some before I woke up Monday morning and was running late (per usual) to school. So I stopped and got a gluten free muffin from a shop. That was a bad idea! Somehow it was cross contaminated and I felt like crap all day. I got home and crashed for 2 hours. So my homework didn’t get done like it should have. The only part that surprised me is that it was the first homework of the semester.

I’ve been doing good with this no gluten thing. The hardest challenge I face this week is finding a new place to study that might have munchies for me. Not sure that is possible in Abq.

Last week’s big challenge was finding lunches to take. This problem was figured out when my sister left (sad face for her leaving). I still make dinner, and it’s next to impossible to just make one portion of anything so I have leftovers. Yay!

One last thing, I got the blood test back and I have Celiac :)

Well, actually they said I had borderline levels of the antibodies, and that it’s most likely that I had Celiac. Which I agree with, because most of the gluten I ate for the test didn’t stay in my body… rhymes with comet.

I’ve been in a grumpy mood most of this weekend and only able to focus on what has been going wrong in my few days (the last straw was realizing that my shirt was on backwards… 3 hours before the end of my 10 hour day…). I opened up my phone to obsessively check my email and clicked on an encouragement email I usually delete before reading and this was the verse:

  ” May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him,       so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”

                                                           Romans 15:13

Thanks God for the serendipity moments in my life, they mean a whole bunch to me!

I'll love you forever... I'll like you for always

My sister is leaving for far away. China is about as far away as I can imagine.

2 years ago when I agreed to move in with my sister, I didn’t expect what we have now. I knew we had a relationship that works and we were close as far as sisters went.

She is my best friend now. She knows me more than I know myself. More than even my mom knows me.

She knows my likes and dislikes, what I can and can’t eat. How to help when I have a migraine (which is one thing that I don’t even know).

I would never trade her for anything in the world.

Not to say we have a perfect relationship, most people think we’re crazy and most likely dysfunctional. But it works for us. We’ve figured out how to work through all the issues.

She has even learned about Star Wars, Doctor Who, and vlogbrothers to keep up with my conversations and stupid jokes. She laughs when I say something that I never even thought of as funny, but the things I think is funny she’ll just roll her eyes at.

She’s there for me when I need cheering up, and knows the perfect thing to say to make me burst out in laughter after a long day.

Somehow, she even knows how to get me out of a funk after a test, or have a horrible experience with someone else.

She protects me from over exuberant people that don’t understand how introversion works. She protects me from the gluten in my life, and friends that hurt me. She keeps me sane when I have a migraine and just want to die.

Somehow, I’m sure I’ll even miss getting mistaken for her life partner or asked how long we have been a couple.

I’m sure I’ll survive without her, but the point is that I don’t want to. She balances me in all sense of the word. I love her. I know life must go on and that no matter how much I wish, life changes. I would never want to hold her down or keep her in the same place for too long, it would be like nailing jello to a tree, or surviving a back yard flood in a cardboard box. I hope she goes and finds what she’s looking for, an experience of a lifetime. I pray for her daily and hope you will too.

If someone could show me this post after I do the dishes, that would be great… She is my sister she is my heart.

Here is her blog if you’re interested: 
http://skittlesinchina.wordpress.com/

GF post... sometime in 9/12. TL;DR Watch for gluten in baking powder and vanilla extract!!

Dude, no edge

Today I woke up with a migraine, which isn’t such a big deal lately because I’ve been dealing with it and all the medications I’m on for this stupid ovary thing and I accidently  had some gluten this week (Stupid baking powder is sneaky!!). Basically I took my pain meds I’ve been shoving down my throat lately and rolled over and slept till the last moment possible before church. 

Church was good, I’ve been so emotional lately. It was about how we can miss God when he walks by us because we were too busy looking for him in the box that we expect to find him in. 

I don’t even know if what I’m writing makes sense, hours of physics and transport along with pain meds will mess with your mind I’m telling you. 

Although church wasn’t what I was expecting to hear, it was something I needed to hear. Let God out of the box. Let everything out of the box. 

Dude. No edge.  

For anything. The universe, my life, my limits, friendships, God, expectations. Anything and everything. 

I’ve been hedging God in, I need to stop. 

#God #no edge #Church #migraine

GF journal 8/20/2012

Landmark moments aka week 10

It’s Monday. This means that it is another week gone by being gluten free. The landmark? I don’t know what week it is, I’ll have to count. 10 weeks. Double digits!!! Woo Hoo!! 

I feel that I’m settling into the gluten free life. I have a few dinners that I rotate through and I’m getting used to it. There are two things that worry me, how I help others deal with what I’m going through and lunches. 

How do I make lunches that are yummy, easy (to make and eat) and gluten free? I guess we’ll see how creative I get. 

A big thing with me is being adaptable and not putting stress on others because of my diet. I really am struggling with this. And have yet to come up with a way to deal with this. It was insanely difficult with my mom, but I’m not sure it was my mom or the fact that it wasn’t my cleaned kitchen. I want to lean towards my sometimes crazy mom. 

This has me thinking. What other landmarks have I passed this summer? What parts of the summer will I look back on from later in life and mark my life by. 

I met a guy, had my first ‘real’ job (the internship), got my bracelet tattoo finished and my sister is moving to China this week. Oh, and I totally have grown up. My new planner is pink. That’s the biggest step in  my life (JK). It has a bible verse every week. That was the main point for me :) 

I’ve been fighting a migraine all weekend, it’s amazing how much one night of bad sleep will affect you.